Monday, February 1, 2010

Put Away

Today I finished packing up all of my photography things.  Backdrops, cameras, lighting, books, files, folders, CD's, etc.  All taken/ ready to be taken to our storage unit.  I've found that I don't have the time, energy or desire to do photography right now.  I just don't have it in me.  I remember struggling with it last year, being tired of being stuffed into boxes, wanting to break free.  Then this last year was a busy one for me.  I needed the business because Joel was laid off and we needed extra money.  But also, that meant I was busy editing and meeting deadlines.  Nobody picked up my slack here with the kids.  Nobody played hoops with the kids.  Nobody took them swimming.  Nobody took them to the playground.  I did get them to a few playgroup meetings but not many. Nobody took them to the library.  The exchange of work versus the toll on my kids was not worth it to me.  If given the chance again, I would have put my photography away and spent that time with my kids.  They needed me more than I needed the money. 
And now I have a child that needs me more than ever.  He's had a horrible experience at public school and I've had to pull him out of his classes and enroll him in a virtual school, he'll be schooled here at home, but in a public school program.  I need to rebuild my kid again.  Turn him back into the confident, behaved, smart kid that loved school and learning.  I don't know if I can do that.  I hope I can.  I'm going to give it my best shot.  All I know is that I can't leave him where he is.  The risks are too great.
So now I've packed up all my things and done what I should have done last year.  This time I'm making the right choice.  No regrets.
I don't know when I'll pick up clients again.
 Before deciding to pull my son out of public school I had decided to go back to college for a Bachelor's in Special Education.  I still plan on that.  I had hoped that I'd still be picking up weddings during my college time.  I'd like to put money away for our oldest son's mission fund. Because of my contracts for weddings giving me 8 weeks for editing, I will have time to study and edit.
Now, I'm not sure what I will do, or when.  I guess I'll take it one day at a time.
BTW, I can't find spell check on here! Sorry for any typos.


JoAnne Dittmer Photography said...

I think you are an AMAZING mother. Your love for your kids shows is apparent in things that you do and say.
This is one of my favorite quotes:
"Motherhood is near to divinity. It is the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind. It places her who honors its holy calling and service next to the angels."
-The First Presidency
and I think you're living up to it perfectly :)

Ginabear said...

OH WOW JEN! What a huge decision but one that I admire so much!! Your family has always always come first, despite outside critism from selfish people. Your little boy is sooo lucky to have you as a mom. He is the sweetest kid and it bothers me that his experience in school has made him unhappy. You are amazing and he is so blessed to have such a caring loving unselfish mom! I wish you all the luck and love in the world my friend!!

Jen said...

Thanks girls so much for your encouraging words and support! When I had first decided to home school Jake all I heard was negative comments. It's so nice to have people supporting me this time and trusting me to do what's best for my child. You don't know how much that means to me!