A lot of things that have been happening to the people around me have caused me to reflect on my relationship with my children. I want the way things are to be that if I ever had to leave this earth any time soon, I want my children to never have to wonder about how much they were loved by their mother and how much of their antics she noticed and treasured. And then this morning I remembered a book I had started for the children, to read whenever they wanted. I'd had it in a window in a stack of books by the couch, but the couch has since been moved up against the windows and the book has been forgotten for about two years.
I pulled it out this morning and skimmed through the things I had written in there. Some of the memories brought back some huge laughs.
Like the time Jaeden and I were at Sam's club and she wanted to know why we were on the security tv. I told her it was because we were famous. On the way back to the car she looked up to me and said, "I just don't understand why we were on that tv show!"
Or the time I went into the family room and saw all of Joshua's monster action figures in the kneeling position with their arms up. It was a curious thing to see them all lined up in a row in this submissive position. And then I saw it. The lone American soldier with his gun raised and aimed at the line of monsters. Good soldier.
Two years of these wonderful memories have passed without being written. I am so sad about that. I hope that this time I can keep it going. I wanted to write in it this morning, but couldn't think of anything off the top of my head to write. So I decided that I would watch today for something to write about.
It didn't take long for Joy to join me in my room in the morning. We got into a discussion that was very deep for a four year old. She wanted to know about how her spirit got into her body and how did her bones get into her body too. Then later at church during sacrament she was sitting on my lap. She wanted to talk and I told her she needed to be quiet and be thinking about Jesus. Well, that started a whole train of thought on how did we have all these pictures of Jesus on the walls? She asked me if someone took a camera to Heaven and took pictures of Jesus and then came back to where we are and put them on the walls? I thought that was a little humorous for a photographers kid to think of that. I had to explain to her that nobody today has seen Jesus so artists have painted or drawn pictures of what they think he looked like.
I don't remember thinking such deep thoughts at such a young age. I hope her mind never ceases to wonder at the miracles of God and the world around her.
Changing subjects- I've had a horrible migraine for about 5 weeks now. It started once I realized that we weren't going to make it through August on our own. A couple of necessary doctor visits due, arthritis medicines, property taxes due, school supplies and clothes (my kids haven't gotten new clothes since January except for a few wonderful hand-me-downs from some ward members), Jaeden's birthday, and possible AP books to buy were threatening to sink us financially. Some days the migraine was really horrible and I'd have liked to just stay in my bed with a pillow over my head to knock out any light or sound. But even with Joel home, I have things that I have to get done and couldn't stay in bed nursing myself. I've fasted and attended the temple more and I think that we are starting to receive the favors and blessings we've been seeking. I've had a bit of work coming in in the last couple of weeks that were unexpected. Not all of it's paying much (one of the jobs is getting me some much needed new tires for my van to replace the ones I can see Lincoln's head on), but it's work and I love doing it and every little bit helps. I've done more family portraits in the last month than I have in the last three years. Necessity has forced me to take on jobs I would normally send to other photographers. For the last year or so I've stuck mostly to weddings and babies. I'm becoming more comfortable with families, and I love it more when families are willing to play and do whatever ideas I have and even throw out their own. That makes what I do so much more fun to me and it feeds my drive to do more. Nothing squashes my creativity more than asking me to do a session with nothing but straight on standard poses and that is one reason I've stopped doing family portraits, because that's what people have wanted and expected. I felt squashed and boxed in. So with the new jobs and also (at the risk of announcing it to people and the embarrassment that will come with it) my parent have offered some help in getting school supplies for the kids, and also we are benefiting from people's fast offerings for the next couple of weeks. Anyway, this is all to say that I think we might make it through the dreaded August after all. I was really sweating it. My migraine has eased up in the last day or so and that has been so nice to have my head back again.