The wrong body

I just know I was born with the wrong body. Nothing is right on it. My eyes should be brown. My eyebrows should be too, and thicker. I should be taller and thinner and my teeth should have been stronger. My legs should be thinner and my... well, my upper parts should be .... different. My ears should be smaller and my eyes bigger.

I'm all wrong!

It's so hard trying to love what I have got especially when things go wrong with it.

I'm having a terrible time with my throat. I'm a little worried. I've been having experiences with choking lately that have been horribly frightening. They usually happen after I've been sick and become dehydrated. I got a horrible cold this month that started before Jake's birthday (Feb. 2) and I lost my voice.

I can't say it's a choking episode, really. It's more like, something happens, I cough and my throat closes up and doesn't let me breath in or out. Or I can wake up from my sleep not able to breath in or out. It lasts for several seconds, feels like 30 seconds or so and then it slowly, slowly releases it's death grip... what ever it is.... I'm convinced it's my vocal chords. And slowly I am able to breath again, the episode lasting several minutes in all.

It's happened to me 5 or 6 times now in the last 3 years. The first time was after a bout of pneumonia.

There's still something wrong with my throat, even after a month it is still irritated and hurts when I swallow. It's not strep. My ear hurts when I swallow, only it's not an ear infection.

I'm a little worried.

Especially since I smoked for 10 years and 8 of those were a pack a day years.

I don't want to go to the doctor. Then they will find something wrong with me, or worse yet, nothing wrong with me and have to send me to a specialist for more probing and more digging into my wallet and right now the dentist has his hands in there.