Some of my long term readers, and my family know that one of my children is adopted. Two years ago her birth parents had another baby girl that they hid the pregnancy from us, then adopted the baby out to another family. This has been a very painful thing for me to deal with. I felt like my daughter deserved to have her sister be a part of her family. I felt like we should have had "dibs" on the baby, or at least have been asked. Instead it was decided FOR us that we couldn't afford more children and therefore the decision was made to adopt out the baby to someone else. At least this is the ridiculous reason given to us when we asked.
In the meantime I have tried really hard to forgive my sister-in-law. To me, this has been a horrible betrayal and still brings me enormous amounts of pain when I think about it. But I have not frozen her out, and have done what I can to keep a sense of normalcy in our relationship.
The adoptive family has kept in touch with my s-i-l. I've known this. I've also expected that someday they would initiate contact with us. I thought I had a few years before that would happen. However, last night we went to my in-laws for dinner, and as we left my s-i-l asked for my email. The other family had asked for it, wanting to exchange pictures and whatever with us.
I'm not ready for this. I still haven't finished dealing with the pain of rejection. I've stuffed it in a desk drawer for another day.
I don't feel the need to talk to these people. I don't feel the need to know what's going on with, or compare the girls with each other.
My daughter knows she has a sister, that her birth-mother chose not to let us adopt. She doesn't ask questions about her, like she asks about her adoption. I don't think that there is any benefit to us keeping in contact with these people. I know that the birth-mom is, and just assumed that she could be the one to keep track of them. But my husband doesn't agree. He thinks it should be our (read:my) job to do that because we are her parents (read: I am her mom).
I am really fighting this because it's too painful to think of talking to people that have a child I feel should have been ours. I don't want to do it. My husband thinks I should. I told him to do it, he said fine... but then I worry that if I let him take over it, he will go too far, and take us to places I don't want to go... like play dates, or visiting.
I've shed a lot of tears over this in the last 24 hours. My eyes are burning. My heart is aching. And I am feeling like I am being pushed into a corner I don't want to be in, therefore creating a "fight or flight" sensation in me.