Sunday, March 8, 2009

Too Soon

Some of my long term readers, and my family know that one of my children is adopted. Two years ago her birth parents had another baby girl that they hid the pregnancy from us, then adopted the baby out to another family. This has been a very painful thing for me to deal with. I felt like my daughter deserved to have her sister be a part of her family. I felt like we should have had "dibs" on the baby, or at least have been asked. Instead it was decided FOR us that we couldn't afford more children and therefore the decision was made to adopt out the baby to someone else. At least this is the ridiculous reason given to us when we asked.
In the meantime I have tried really hard to forgive my sister-in-law. To me, this has been a horrible betrayal and still brings me enormous amounts of pain when I think about it. But I have not frozen her out, and have done what I can to keep a sense of normalcy in our relationship.
The adoptive family has kept in touch with my s-i-l. I've known this. I've also expected that someday they would initiate contact with us. I thought I had a few years before that would happen. However, last night we went to my in-laws for dinner, and as we left my s-i-l asked for my email. The other family had asked for it, wanting to exchange pictures and whatever with us.
I'm not ready for this. I still haven't finished dealing with the pain of rejection. I've stuffed it in a desk drawer for another day.
I don't feel the need to talk to these people. I don't feel the need to know what's going on with, or compare the girls with each other.
My daughter knows she has a sister, that her birth-mother chose not to let us adopt. She doesn't ask questions about her, like she asks about her adoption. I don't think that there is any benefit to us keeping in contact with these people. I know that the birth-mom is, and just assumed that she could be the one to keep track of them. But my husband doesn't agree. He thinks it should be our (read:my) job to do that because we are her parents (read: I am her mom).
I am really fighting this because it's too painful to think of talking to people that have a child I feel should have been ours. I don't want to do it. My husband thinks I should. I told him to do it, he said fine... but then I worry that if I let him take over it, he will go too far, and take us to places I don't want to go... like play dates, or visiting.
I've shed a lot of tears over this in the last 24 hours. My eyes are burning. My heart is aching. And I am feeling like I am being pushed into a corner I don't want to be in, therefore creating a "fight or flight" sensation in me.


Kate said...

Oh hun . . . *HUGS* While I've not been in your exact situation, I've been in a similar one and found the only peace from feeling "that child was meant to be mine" in returning care of that child back to the One to whom she TRULY belongs . . . I don't know if that even makes sense . . . but know that I'm praying for you to somehow find peace in this . . . and I personally don't think it's wrong for you to tell J and/or your SIL that it's too soon for contact . . .
*HUGS* again

Mama said...

As someone who lurks on your blog that you might not want to hear from, I still feel impressed to humbly share this...

You are completely and utterly entitled to receive revelation for your family. And most especially - you are entitled to receive revelation on how to raise your children. The Lord will not leave you in the dark on what to do as you turn this over to him and ask him to micromanage you though it.

I am sorry this burden has been added to your plate at such a difficult time.

Jen said...

Mama, wow, I didn't know you'd found me. I welcome you to my blog. Thank you for reminding me of that very special blessing of revelation. I've been so consumed with trying to forgive, and fighting this whole thing that I'd forgotten about asking Heavenly Father what we should do. Thank you.
Feel free to lurk any time.

Anonymous said...

Okay, I'm crying for and with you, too.

I have lots of opinions, on account of the fact that I have two adopted children. So here is my opinion.

I feel that children have a right to belong simply to the family that they were adopted into. I think it can be very confusing for them to be pushed into relationships that "could" have been theirs, if things had been different.

I have no problem with them making relationships to their other siblings and parents, after the age of 18, on their own, and I would give them the information to do that.

Think of the Proclamation on the Family. I just think simple and basic is better for kids.

Of course, you don't have to take my opinion. I just made opinions over the years to help me with my decisions.

I don't think this even addresses the question you are facing, but events could lead to it.

I hope this is helpful and not hurtful.

Luv ya tunz,